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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Jul 6, 2018

What Indian advertisements taught me ???




What Indian advertisements taught me ??? Seriously ...

1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem.

2. If you've a beautiful wife, make sure your neighbor doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.

4. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.

5. Every second oral care brand is No.1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

6. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married, take her to a jewelry/textile shop.

7. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

8. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!

9. All superstars are so poor that they prefer to risk life for a cool drink than to purchase it for Rs10!

10. The special effects in shampoo advertisements are greater than special effects in Avatar!

11. Fruit content in shampoo and soap is more than fruit content in 99% of juices.

12. Amul has better satirical cartoonists than people who make better milk products.

13. Most people buy vehicles to travel in bad roads but complain about roads in India.

14. You can't eat Dairy Milk Silk without spreading it all over your face.

15. Nobody uses motorbikes for commuting, its only to pick up girls.

16. All soaps kill 99.9% of germs.

17. People believe that Bacardi makes music CD's and Directors special/Kingfisher make mineral water.

18. The only thing mothers and daughters talk to each other is usually about hair oil.

19. No matter what kind of expert one is, he'll always wear a white laboratory coat.

And, finally this

20.Mutualfundinvestmentsaresubjecttomarketriskspleasereadtheofferdocumentcarefullybeforeinvesting. (To be Read in one breath)

I tell you mmmmm

Jun 25, 2018

10 Commandments of marriage!!!


10 Commandments of Marriage...

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished......

Mar 30, 2017

CHANGES GALORE....





*Have you witnessed few things suddenly getting  changed in your life only in a span of 1 or 2 decades ?*

☄ Curds became Yogurt !
☄ Biscuits became cookies !
☄Sweet became Dessert !
☄Washerman became Housekeeper !
☄Rupees became bucks!
☄Housewife became homemaker !
☄Waiting area became Lobby !
☄Lift became elevator !
☄Toilet became rest room !
☄Husband became Hubby !
☄Wife became Honey !
☄Doctor became Doc !
☄Teacher became Faculty !
☄Dosa became pancake!
☄Coffee became cappuccino !
☄Cake became Pastry !
☄Scent became Perfume !
☄Taxi became cab !
☄Building became mall!
☄Theatre became multiplex !
☄Song became number!
☄Dancer became item girl !
☄Man became dude !
☄Photo became pic !
☄Biodata became Resume !
☄Oh God became Omg !


*Thank God our names and childhood friends have remained the same!*

Feb 23, 2012

12 CLASSIC SYMPTOMS OF A BLOGOHOLIC !!!

You started it   Just like that...for the heck of it...to own your own nook in cyberspace...

Yes...I mean YOUR BLOG!!!!!!


but now...

1.You wake up thinking "Oh! what new post shall I make today?Will it be well recieved?"

2.You wake up at 2 AM just to check up if your new post has got a comment from your NRI followers...

3.You are in the temple...it is a special day...you have 101 things to pray for ...but you whip out your camera and start clicking photos of the temple sculptures,footwear stand,pujari's tuft,the procession,the prashadam cauldron and also the presiding deity... YES! You view them all as potential contents for your blog!!!

4.You celebrate the day you get four new followers in a row and start believing your blog has earth shaking potentials!!!

5.You bake a cake...and post it in your blog...then fed your family with it...The family is all praises ....But you go into a depression  ,just because your follower whose name -according to you is -NewbieCrunchie and looks like a little parrot... has not liked it!!!!!!

6.You skip a dinner in a 5 star hotel given by your boss...just to monitor the upward graph of your blog visitors on a weekend!

7.You were so cool during your board exam results...after your first job interview....but waiting for the first feedback after writing that "intellectual" post makes butterflies whirrrrrrr in your tummy and your knees go jelly!!!

8.When your friends are planning to buy new outfits,new gizmos,new DVDs....you are scouring the net for the latest blog widgets...

9.You watermark your pics,you copyscape your blog...to prevent theft- Fair enough-But so engrossed are you in this addiction called blogging that you forget to bolt your main door when the whole world is asleep and it is past midnight.

10.You blog vociferously about the Right To Information Act and are thrilled to no end  on being nominated for the best Blogpost Award....but you totally forget to pay your Power Bill long after due date in spite of your family's repeated reminders ....even when your house plunges into darkness and you are sweating away ...but realise it when your laptop battery is totally drained....and you are not able to thank your commentators any more!!!

11.There is no food in the kitchen but you make do with cornflakes and cold milk...
Your dress is crumpled and grimy... but you have not noted it  at all...
But your internet connection is down and you bring the roof down...

12.You do not peep into your blog or your friends' for three straight hours and you become restless and your fingers tremble and you exhibit all classic withdrawal symptoms...


                                                                        

WARNING...

EVEN IF YOU DISPLAY MORE THAN 4 SYMPTOMS THAT REMOTELY RESEMBLE THESE...
YOU ARE ON THE ROAD TO BECOMING AN INCORRIGIBLE BLOGOHOLIC!!!!    

......IF YOU ARE NOT ALREADY ONE....

Jan 7, 2012

Common Weight watchers' excuses...

  Here are some of the most frequently mouthed lies/excuses by unsuccessful dieters/weight watchers...

" That stupid scale is all wrong!"

"I always eat so little..."

"It is my gene.I take after the wrong side of the family"

"It is some hormone problem!"

"I had just 1 tiny chocolate cookie-that's not gonna fatten me..."

"Healthy food never harms you"

"It is too hot to exercise..."

"How to walk on a rainy day like this"

"Feeling run down...too tired to gym out"

"Will go on an extra strict diet after the vacation"

"Have a heart...how can I say NO  and hurt the host's feelings?"

"Will make up this weekend..."

"I am so busy! Can't find time to jog..."

"Even plain salads  fatten me..."

"Come on ...70% of the world is fat!"

"I  skipped the coffee instead of that Sundae..."

"But...It is a sin to let food go waste!!!"

"I am not lazy..."

"My muscle hurts..."

"I hardly eat anything fried or buttered"


" I am not fat...just feeling gassy!"


"Chocolates are actally very good for your health..."


""I did not want it...You tempted me like a devil"


Dec 25, 2011

Common lies...




  1. Some of the most often used lies and excuses according to me are ...

    * Your cheque is in the mail.

    * kept trying... Some net work problem.

    * just thinking of you...

    * caught in a traffic jam...

    * I forgot...

    * can't proceed with this alliance bcoz horoscopes dont match...

    * You are not overweight - just looking healthy and pleasantly plump.

    * You are the prettiest girl in the whole world...

    * I have absolutely no time

    * A little sugar in your coffee wont raise the sugar levels

    * My MIL and I are great friends...

    * I have found a daughter in my DIL

    * My doggie never bites
              * No power...so I could not log in.
             
              * I have never told a lie.

              

Dec 22, 2011

Women in Tamil T.V. serials!!!!!!!!''



  1. After watching t.v. serials I have come to a conclusion that you have to

    have some special characteristics to qualify as a T.V. WOMAN...and just

    see how different she is from the real woman we meet everyday.

    1.TV woman usually live in large mansions complete with a patio and

    swimming pool in Chennai ....

    2.They believe in mega sized joint families ...

    3. They always live a roller coaster life...mega business woman one day

    and a pauper with sweaty face and torn blouse the next day...

    4. They don't believe in small steps... only giant leaps...

    Always do business in such a large scale that would make Ambani look like

    a Small scale entrepreneur.

    5.They are tolerance personified-they will put up will all sort of nonsense

    from the villain gang till the last but few episodes.

    6.They Balance family and job perfectly- never lose threir temper at Pati

    devtas or MILs how ever mean they are...

    7.They go to jail as if is it is a "must visit" tourist spot.

    8. They are always groomed well and never have a bad hair day .

    9.The main doors of their house is always kept open.

    10.If she is a "GOOD" woman she dresses up in a simple and elegant

    fashion.

    11. If she is a "BAD" woman she dresses up in gaudy ,flashy jewels and

    clothes.

    12.They always think aloud when alone.

    13.A mil is either too good or wickedness personified...

    14.If SHE is the wicked one , you wont be able to guess what she does for a living because  she is spending all her time in plotting against the protagonist.
    15.She always wears the pants of the family.

    16. She has shoulders of steel-she carries the load of her entire family, carries others

    problems,others' woes , a no good hubby and his worthless family , a business empire

    built from nothing-etc etc on her fragile but strong shoulders... 

Dec 19, 2011

But, Kids are honest!!!!!!!


Once we went to my friend's house with my little nephew...

After the basic courtesies,she showed some of the latest photographs of her wannabe Padma Subramaniam-daughter's latest dance poses...

Only then that little chit of a girl walked in and she asked her to perform the latest number before me...

She coaxed the reluctant girl...aged just  12, to do a fast Thillana she had recently learnt ...

She hurriedly changed into a salwar and wore her salangais and started off as the music played...

We watched her while munching some namkeens and sipping coke...

her dance movements looked like as if she was doing some aerobics and her face was showing the expression of great pain and disgust!

She happily finished her performance in 5 minutes and panted like
P.T. Usha after a 500m. dash!

Anyways,I lavished my praises on the little girl who seemed immensely pleased...moreso was the mother!

She gladly told me that her daughter will be performing in a Sabha next season,and extended an invitation now itself...

As we left ...(she should have been wiser!!!) my friend asked my
7 year old nephew if he enjoyed the dance ...

and pat came the reply-

"And will give murukkus and coke to ALL those who come to see her dancing,Auntie????"

My friend's face grew pale and then red!

His query said it all!!!!

How we wished the earth would open up and swallow us...

But ..Kids dont lie........

Baby Vending Machines!!!!!!!!!




We had guests and I was busy passing some snacks around...

It was a small group of friends and family...

Suddenly ,one little kid popped up the ultimate question-

"How are babies made?"

Silence...

Red faces...

The query was voiced again louder and clearer...

"Pray hard and God gives Mamma one" ...

I thought I saved a lot of embarassment...But the kid did not seem to be convinced by my reply!


"Will I get one if I pray?"

I went tongue tied..

When another kid...all of 5 years then ...came forward and held the other kid's hands
and said...

"I know ...I will tell you"

I wished the earth opened up and swallowed me .

"You know...when a woman goes to the  hospital and asks Doctor ...I want a baby...

The doctor presses a machine switch and a child comes out !!!"



Hi tech stork story!!!!!

Phew!!!Where from he got such info,I wondered but all of us breathed a sigh

of relief and continued our happy chatter -relieved!

And the other little brat was convinced with the reply too!!!!!

Anyways, still nobody got inspired by his idea ...I suppose!

otherwise we would have "BABY VENDING  MACHINES" every where!!!!

Aren't kids really imaginative? 

Dec 10, 2011

Painting house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did it start?

I don't remember...

But I think I noted a faint rusty spot on the grill gate of my apartment...

Being a DIY freak...I thought I shall paint it myself ....

and my whole family vetoed it!

"Ma...it's not as simple as doing one of your Tanjore painting...you have to sandpaper the grill...climb up a ladder to reach the top portion and that paint smell is awful! You will get an allergy!" said sonny

Sweet thought...I agreed...

Next ...Hunt for a painter...

Hubby immediately got 2 guys from some contractor who works for his office...

"Just black paint "...I told them...and finish the job soon...and neat ...spread papers on the floor etc.etc...

Half a day and half of the gate was almost over...

On that fateful moment ,something dawned on me...

I went supervising ...Opened the paint tin and saw he had enough paint to paint 10 grill gates!!!!!!

"Who asked you to buy so much?" I fumed...Called huby who was in the middle of a meeting (or chatting?) 

"Do something,Ma...ask them to paint something else!" Call cut abruptly...

Now ,I asked them to paint all the window and balcony grills...

Their face lit up...(more wages)

work dragged on...guarding the things at home from these guys...running up and down with no one else at home to help ...nasuating paint smell....

By the end of 3 days the grills were done ...and now I found the kitchen needed some makeover!

So ,more painting materials came home ...dust and dirt flew all over ...

By the time the kitchen got a coat of paint ,Hubby suggested the hall needed one too...

"What sins did the bedrooms commit that they are left out?"asked Amma...

"Why not the whole house ?"asked the contracter...

"No..I" said..."This itself has left me half dead..."

But eventually it was decided-Whole House...

More guys came ...

Then ,the drama started...

Furniture was moved roughly..paint spills staining the floor...My new bedsheets used to wipe hands...

the guys disappearing from the work spot and hiding in my terrace -taking 2 hour lunch break and 3-4 tea breaks ans shopping trips...

I was on my toes running behind them...

Kitchen was closed (total mess...couldnt even find a tiny place to keep things in the kitchen platform!) Dont know in which bow the Arisi and paruppu are....food was outsourced...Poor Amma had to live on Curd rice and pickles...Me almost at wits ends...

My poor old Mother was instructed to stay inside a closed room with A/c on so that she can stay away from dust and noise...

Everyday the guys promised the job will be over in 2 more days...

after 2 weeks ,they left the house ,all painted and new...me looking tired and mad...

Then it happened...

I fell sick followed by Amma in suit...

all because of paint smell allergy ...

"They've done a good job!" commented Hubby and Sonny...

"And I have extracted the work out of them well too" I quipped in...

"So you have a job in hand...You can become a good painting contractor" laughed hubby

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...." thats me!!!!!

"Had I painted the gate myself..."i thought..."I could have finished it leisurely in a day or two...need not have strained so much"

At times ,when I was hysterically screaming at those slipshod painters,I was reminded of that comedy sequence in some movie where Vijay,Surya and the gang are painters and Vadivelu -the contractor-always hysterical that something will break ...and Radha ravi the Boss-snapping at Vadivelu and his guys...

Here Only I was doing the double role of tensed and nervously screaming Vadivelu and that ordering about Radharavi...

One way to cool myself during those maddening days was -"IL ing "now and then...with all the hullabaloo going on around me...

Thats Multitasking...eh!!!!!!

Dec 8, 2011

Raavana -That's my name!

'Don't worry dear...it runs in the family"

That's how my grandma consoled my shell shocked Mom after I was born!

She ran into labor hours ago but the Gyn was puzzled...She had suspected twins or maybe triplets but I was too much for her!

I later came to know that the attending Doctor -the best Ob Gyn in town with 30 solid years of immense experience - passed out as soon as she heard my multi-full throated wails...and nothing could get her to come back to the labor room to deliver another baby for the rest of her life...what more ,she spent years under a Guruji learning meditation and yoga but that seemed to be of very little help to bring her back to normalcy!!!

Mom, Grandmom and the Doc and all the nurses and midwives gasped  and nodded-

 counted and recounted my heads ...

"Ten! "They agreed in unison!

"It is the DNA! his great Grand pa had four ! " said my Aunt ...

Mom had otherwise delivered normal kids...a pretty girl with a tweeky nose which was later chiselled to perfection -That's my Sis...That golden hearted ,glutton  who slept most of the time -he's my brother...

But they were all one -headed...

Mom found me to be quite a handful...

she needed to sterilise 10 feeding bottles,fill them up  with formulas and shove them up simultaneously into my mouths every other hour...worse still ...she had to work overtime to wipe my runny noses ...and if I started sneezing, the sound of 10 simultaneous and continuous sneezes sounded like a thunderstorm gone mad!

She complained that she was going broke buying a dozen tube of toothpaste month after month ,just for me and the hairstylists' bill outdid our monthly electricity bill-thanx to my whims and fancies for 10 different styles for my heads...and she struck a deal with a shampoo company to supply abarrels of shampoo for half the price -still it costed a bomb!

Though I was given a long and pompous ,tradi modern name befitting me-

SriAnanthaNarayanaKrishnaRajaVishyShivaBablooKant -all and sundry preferred to call me Ravana...
and by default and as a matter of convenience,that stuck to me as my name...

The class teacher who called out my full name heard the bell ring before she finished it and she needed instant nebulisation!

Ten heads gave me instant recognition as well as drew a lot of queer glances in school...

In fact,school as well as college was great fun...as compared to my friends,I needed lesser study hours...
while they all burnt the midnight oil ,trying to push the textual stuff of one subject into their single heads,
I could effectively multitask-one head worked out Maths while another dealt with Chemical equations while a sleepy head nodded off  as it listened to a lilting melody!
While one head was filled with Communistic philosophies,another was full of profound Capitalistic ethos!
While  one head dealt with Sudokus another was filled with Reggaepop!

But,I did have other problems too!

Be it a movie hall or the class room-I was always a backbencher because my heads hindered the view of the poor singleheaders!

If I walked in the street,one head in the left extreme hit a building  while the one at the right extreme ran into the road!
So Dad ordered a special car with a central steering and extra wide seats which needed a special driving license and  extra road taxes too!
But I had my own advantages!
I could effortlessly ogle at all the chicks and chicklets on both the sides of the road  which made my friends seethe with envy...
When I had to fly to the States for my higher studies,I could fit in to the middle seat in the middle row...only the whole row of 9 seats had to be booked for me-but the airline was quick to sponsor my tickets and use me as their brand ambassador!

That opened up new earning avenues for me!
While my friends slogged in the Univ libraries or gas stations to make a few extra dollars,I just had to pose for a few snaps or breeze across for a video and help something sell!

But things were not all too smooth...

For....

I met her-Jane AKA Jankee!

I was smitten by that doe eyed beauty but she was interested in my junior Ramsay!

This made all my heads go mad with love and lust when pretty and bashful Mando eyed me  and ...Yes! She was my girl and I am happy that nobody could have loved me more!

Now I have a wife  and and a stately home in a little island just off the tip of the mainland...and I live happily with Mando and the little one  my cutie -Akshay who loves to bounce and dance when I play the Shiv Thandav beat in my keyboard...my favorite pasttime...as my mouths merrily munch the pakoras and sip hot masala tea served indulgently by Mando...who says everything is fine with me -excepting kissing her with all my ten pairs of sensuous lips simulltaneously! She says it it a bit too much for her but I know she secretly enjoys it a lot!

By the way...did I tell you what I do for a living?

I run my own one man call center-where one head speaks English while another convincingly sells  insurance policies to an unknown face in Europe!
One  anwsers a client in Chinese while another teaches Algebra to kids in Australia...
While one head troubleshoots a clients hung network,another relaxes with Ragas from my little Ipod...
One is always thinking of new love sonnets on Mando(which she feels are all plagiarised...too bad!)
another is busy thinking up the topic for tomorrows blog!
The risktaking head follows my online trade and scrips while the philosophic head muses about PAST LIFE REGRESSION -ALL AT ONCE!!!!!!








Aug 30, 2011

Baking Day with Sonny !!!!!!!!!


I know we are all exposed to the best of recipes and even a dummy can pass
the test of baking a simple cake effortlessly ,thanx to the flooding of Baked
Delites in Net and umpteen cookery books and supplements...
Why,even I do pass the baking test with decent marks and
sometimes accolades too...
But ...
I cannot forget that D Day when I decided to bake a simple Pound Cake
(old time tested recipe handed over to me as part of my dowry by mama dear...)
Yes ...
I was home alone...The weather was balmy... me too in a good mood...
I set the ingredients on my dining table...
Measured them using my measuring glass...powdered the sugar...
sieved the flour and baking powder on an old newspaper...
the doorbell rang...(such perfect timing!)
Hyper energetic junior at the doorstep...
"Inniku half day maa" said rickshawman as he scooted off.
"Hiiiii....what are you doing?"
He sounded more like what are you up to?
I explained that I am going to bake a wonderful cake for him because
he is a CHAMATHU boy...and he should keep off...
But he had other ideas...He wanted to volunteer his services...
"Naanum ..." he said as he clambered up the dining table with his
school bag,break bag,muddy shoes ...et al!
As I tried to strike a deal with him if he left the room
(chocolates/cartoons/outings/the list of bribes ran on...)
But he wanted to help me ...(chweet dear)
As I was creaming the sugar and butter he added some thing into it...
I found out within 30 seconds (soggy leftover sandwiches)...
As I cleaned it out of the mixture I gave him two tight slaps only
to be deafened by his wails...
And the phone chose the most appropriate moment to ring ....
and it was my Aunt in law and she spoke nothing on and on for 10 minutes
(it seemed like eternity) before she hung up...
Only after I placed the reciever down,did I note that I had used up my
flour and butter coated hand to use the reciever!
Just ran in... came out with some cloth ...wiped it clean in a minute...
Back to work as I pacified Sonny Dear...(multitasking Heh!)
The frothy beaten eggs were flat by now!
The fan was on thanx to my kind Sonny...
And the floor,table and my face and hair was white...flour coated!!!!!
Few more whacks... few more threats... some more cleaning...some more mixing
and beating the batter till it was really fluffy...
Preheat the oven...
Now I hear rumbling from the sky!
Run out -get the dry clothes in...and now atlast...
Shove the cake into the preset oven and clean up the room,table
and my face and hair too...
The oven buzzes...
Sonny is asleep...all is quiet!
I insert a knitting needle into the cake and it comes out clean!
Later...
Cake cutting ceremony...I do the honours after telling my husband how hectic
an afternoon It was ...and almost convinced him into acknowledging
that Baking a cake with a brat is rocket science...
As I sliced the cake...The knife felt something hard...
I went on ...
Some slices on the plate...they had bits of green ,orange ,blue and brown...
they were shapeless...looked different...
Is it Tutti Frooti?
Asked Hubby ...
No...And a quick glance around the dining table revealed the culprit-
Sonny's open pencil box filled with multicolored bits of broken wax crayons
And now he cried for a slice of cake...( are crayons edible?Don't know...)
Father and son run to the nearest bakery while I rush to get myself
some Amrutanjan...
What I learnt from this mishap-
1.Make sure kiddo wont come home on a baking day.
2.Even if he does ,make sure there are no crayon or other
lethal stuff that can send your cake to the drain nearby.
3.Keep the phone off the hook,Switch off the mobile and leave it in the locker
or it may get baked too...
4.Check out the weather bulletin or dont hang out clothes....

BETTER STILL...
Get Hubby to fetch a cake with the richest icing on the way home while
you relax berore the TV watching . your fav show ...